I was reflecting on what I was going to talk about today and one of the things that we learn is that we don’t have to plan too much on what we’re going to do.
I use to have a lot of concern regarding my memory and I’ll go into that a little bit more when I go into my story. The concerns about my memory make me worried because it affects my talks and I love talking in front of people, I love speaking in front of people.
When you hear people speaking you can hear your story in their story. You just feel it, it doesn’t matter what you’ve done. Who knows much about the principals? What we’re talking about today, I’ve come across the principals over the last 18 – 24 months I’ve been intensively studying it for the last 18 months especially. When you hear people talk about it makes the last 18 months make sense. Even in our cultures and heritage my parents would also say that it’s going to be OK, but never explain why it’s going to be OK. We’ve been hearing this message but I’m still confused. They’ve been trying to teach us this over time but we feel confused still. I’ve been in personal development for over 30 years and I’ve been hearing this message in so many different ways. I’m also Catholic, but there’s something missing for me in the conversations for the last 30 years. Then when I heard the principles, it set me aback, didn’t get it at first and it challenged me because I spent my life learning it. I felt proud that I’d done that. I’ve been on the personal development quest for years and the principles just made everything so clear.
When I first heard the principles and started to relax. I think it’s really important that as we stand here the speakers today have done an amazing job. All our vision, the speaker’s job was to share their experiences.
I’ve always had this insecure feeling inside of me and I remember my family and me went to the Caribbean for our first holiday. I initially thought it was the best thing in the world, but I soon realised that I felt so out of place, I wasn’t use to the Caribbean, I got bitten by mosquitoes and was nearly hospitalised. I still have marks on my legs till this day and I remember thinking that there must be something wrong with me. I felt traumatised having gone my whole life with these marks up and down my legs. I remember that feeling being ingrained in my mind. My mum tried to do so much to console me but I still thought my life is over, these marks will ruin the rest of my life.
Fast forward to age 19, something happened to me that was traumatic and then I just decided that something was wrong with me. I had proof now. I spent my whole life traumatising myself thinking that something was wrong with me. As I was having those feelings there was a part of me that knew that wasn’t true because I didn’t have that feeling all the time. But I had a lot of shame that I carried with me for many years. Even though people would say to me that it wasn’t a big deal. I was thinking the opposite because they didn’t know what I was going through. From that age I threw myself into personal development, fixing myself trying to get rid of those feelings. we’re always in this up and down state and I thought we’re supposed to be happy all the time. No one told me that they were sad some days, depressed on others. I just thought we’re supposed to be happy all the time. Then you start looking around and think is it just me?
Over time things got lighter, I felt less shame and I got married. But then my marriage didn’t work out, I had another bad thing to say about myself. Can’t keep a marriage or a man. Can’t keep my life going, there was domestic violence in my marriage and I had the shame of that which was immense. Having high profile jobs in the community, I had to have my friends pick me up.
As I threw myself into personal development, I was interested in the people that were at rock bottom but then triumphed. that’s what I have always loved. What made them overcome their hardships. I use to think to myself that I could do all these things if I didn’t have these thoughts holding me back. It’s just so interesting because even if you know or not that it’s happening, it’s working.
I used to take things that people said about me so personally, like if I was at work and I would hear people talk about me. I would get really upset and it used to really affect me because I’m a sensitive person. We need to justify what we’re thinking about and we find reason in what we know. After 20 years of personal development you start to think about my thoughts and I was ready to help other people.
What I realise now is that the more we start to layers to our thoughts, innocently adding layers to our feelings. I started to see that not all my thoughts were useful and it start to lead me down the wrong path. If all my thoughts were not useful I thought there must be something wrong with me.
When we see that its nature, our thoughts are natural. See things for what they are rather than being caught up in your thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with you and your true nature is amazing, fabulous, full of love. The depth of our wellbeing is incredible. This is not about making yourself happy, it’s an understanding. When you understand then you get past the negative thoughts.