I want to start by sharing with you my story. A little bit about myself, I come from Isreal. At 18 I just left school and someone asked me if I would come to London and look after some childrens, whose mum wasn’t very well. So I thought to myself why not, it could be nice for six months. After a year, their mum passed away sadly and a year after that I married my husband who was the father of the children that I was looking after.
We had four kids, then got married and had another four children. When I came to London, I was very young. I knew what I was good at which was looking after children and keeping the house. When I got married I was in the mindset that I would keep my children happy and keep my husband happy. There was times when this wasn’t easy, of course.
As my children became older, times got challenging as my children weren’t children anymore they were teenages. Sometimes it was challenging with my husband too. I used to take all of these issues very personally. I somehow thought that it was a mum’s job to make everyone happy. That was what I thought my purpose was. When things weren’t going that way, it was really difficult for me.
My husband has always tried to get me learning and interested in the principles. I never knew that there was a different level that you could live life which was much more happy, peace and content. I didn’t know there was another piece of mind so I just settled with it.
There was various practitioners that did these talks but I was always thinking that these people don’t have as many children. I always thought that they live in this big house with white carpets. I thought what can these people teach me, they don’t have the same challenges as I do. If they come and run my household for two weeks then you can come and tell me if there’s peace of mind.
I believed in an outside in world, which I believe that your feelings come from things that happen to you. So if you husband upsets you and it makes you feel bad or if your children upset you then you feel bad. I also believe that the way you make yourself happy is to looking outside of the same place. Having children, having a less busy husband or going on holiday. Actively searching for a way to make you happy but I soon started to realise that it would throw up lots more challenges.
For a long time that’s how I lived my life, I struggled to make things happen the way I wanted it to go and I came to a place where in my little experience with life. One of my daughters was going through a bad time and I really took it personally of me thinking that I was no good. I felt that I had failed as a mum because I couldn’t make her happy. In my head it was so insecure, guilty, distraught. As you start to think like that you start to believe that you are someone that you are not.
It came to a point where I became quite a big shot, I thought i figured everything out. My husband wanted me to introduce me to various people but I never really listened to people that had a different way of thinking.
I decided that I would do a psychology degree so I could figure life out. The funny thing is when I took the degree it was the worst years of my life because it made something out of nothing. Suddenly things that weren’t an issue were now being analysed.
There was a little turning point for me when I had a terrible day with my daughter and I wasn’t very nice. I noticed that everything was so bad in my life. I was so angry and went to my husbands office one day late at night. I thought if I could bring him down to my level, I wanted him to feel a bit of the pain that I was feeling.
The minute I walked out of his office I felt horrible. That’s what we are all like we are all mean and horrible in that minute and then walk away and feel so guilty. I went home and felt like a little girl in a big ocean. I didn’t know how to get out of this mess. My husband came in soon after and was so nice to me, reassuring me that everything was going to be ok. He hit a note with me when he dismissed all the horrible things that I had said to me. But it made me so humble, I wanted to be different, I wanted to be better.
Terry reached out to me and somehow she got me to get to one of wellbeing conferences, I sat in the back. I had a lot of judgement of each of the practitioners that were speaking. I realised that each of the speakers were on a completely different level to me. As I was listening it felt like my guard was down, all my cards were on the table. I realised that everything I knew wasn’t helping me at all. I had to really put that away and listen to what was being said.
I was hearing what they were saying and I felt better, peaceful, light. They were pointing us to an inside in world as opposed to what I had thought. Our experiences should come from within to guide us. But I wanted to check it out, I wanted to experience this to see if it was true.
I had a arguement with my daughter, every morning she would slam the door on me that would go on most mornings. I sat at the breakfast table and I had my best friend thinking. I would wonder what her biological mother would think. But then I thought from the inside that actually I am a good mother, I struggle with the children but I was quite hard as a teenager. It was a new way of thinking that I had never taken before. It was a different track of thought that if I didn’t that the original track I could completely reach a high level of positivity.